7 Baby Items I Found Pointless

Babies need so much stuff. Seriously. 

I have a few friends who are pregnant and navigating the world of fantastic baby gear, some for the first time, and one who's just getting back into it. There are a ton of decisions to make! One asked me what she should register for, and I made a great list. But as I surfed the websites full of sparkly baby goodies, I kept running across items that made me chuckle, because I remembered how underwhelmingly not useful they were when my Short People were tiny. So I made another list. Here are a few of my less-than-awesome purchases and the reasons I didn't need them. I hope it helps you out. And congratulations for needing to shop in the first place, whether it's for you or someone else!

1. Diaper Genie

Why: Because while they do help somewhat, they really don't get rid of the odor completely. Nobody wants to gaze at their sleeping infant to a background stench of county fair port-a-potty. Take the stink bombs outside right after they happen! It's good to see the sky periodically anyway. 

2. Baby wipe warmers

Why: Because babies adapt to having a cold wipe to the butt pretty early on in life if they're not expecting otherwise. Imagine her shock and ensuing squeals, however, the first time in an echoing public bathroom where no wipe warmer is available. Pass the ear plugs! If you're set on the idea anyway, try folding a wipe and tucking it into your bra to warm against your body while you get out the other supplies and undo snaps. Saves electricity!

3. Baby wash cloths

Why:  Use the ones you already have as long as they're nice and soft. I'm not against wash cloths in general, just those sold for babies, because they're too thin and small.  If you get any of those at all, get maybe one package for wiping your baby's face. But again, that's a big "if."

4. Bottle warmers

Why:  Just in my experience, I almost always managed to get distracted and overheat the milk or food. And it's just one more appliance to take up space on the counter and require cleaning by hand. A nice, big coffee mug half-filled with hot water is just as effective, and I bet you already have one!  Experiment with microwave times until you find one that gets the water to the perfect temp and set the bottle in there. You won't have to worry about it getting hotter and hotter.

5. Pacifier thermometers 

Why: It's an awesome idea, but even babies who like pacifiers are different kids when they're sick. My babes never wanted to keep this kind of thermometer in their mouths, either because they didn't feel good and it wasn't the right binky, their noses were stuffed up and I couldn't get an accurate reading, or because they were nauseated and gagged on it.  The rectal thermometer is touted as the most accurate, but honestly, I'd sacrifice a couple tenths of a degree to avoid being pooped on repeatedly. Get the kind that scans the forehead, trust me!

6. Store-bought hooded bath towels

Why: Store-bought ones such as those made by Circo (Target brand) are made from thin fabric and soak through quickly. That means a wet lap for you, and a chilled backside for the babe. The chillier the baby, the more crying there is!  These towels also usually have huge, dumb appliques on the hoods which are cute, but not absorbent, and tend to get in the way.  You are better off making your own from full-sized, thick, terry towels and maybe decorating the hood with a little bit of baby-themed satin ribbon. Check the web for tutorials such as this one.

7. Crib bumper

Why:  They are so cute and iconic in those online nursery photos. But nowadays, doctors are urging parents to avoid them. See this article for their reasons. For my own part, the bumper just became one more thing to wash when the puke started to fly. A few months later, it became the step ladder for Baby Houdini. I'd rather spare you that heart attack and just say don't bother! 

I'm sure there are many other things I'd find pointless if I went out and looked, but these are the goodies I registered for, thought I needed, and then dismissed after experience proved otherwise. Your own experience will be your best teacher. Just enjoy this time of discovery, wonderment, and of course, shopping!

Why I'm Not Opinionizing About Miley Cyrus

Everybody seems to be talking about Miley's performance on the MTV VMA Awards show. If you missed it, that's okay. I'll save you the need for brain bleach by summarizing that she danced provocatively with teddy bears, singer Robin Thicke, and a foam finger. She sang about a house party. She twerked. She stuck out her tongue a lot. That's about all there was to it. 

Yet Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, the blogosphere, and just about every news outlet lit up with shock and dismay, as if there was a major worldwide crisis. 

"She's trying too hard," some lamented. "What happened to that sweet, innocent Hannah Montana girl?" they asked. "This is what a talented young lady is doing to celebrate the freedom of her youth?" they complained. "Why does she feel the need to sexualize her image?!?" they hollered. Everybody had something to say about Miley. I thought about what I would say, if I were asked.  But I drew a major blank. It seems that just this once, I have no opinion. But, I have an opinion about my lack of opinion… here it is:  

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; 
there is nothing new under the sun." —Ecclesiastes 1:9

Miley's performance is nothing new. It's not shocking to me. it hasn't caught me off guard. It's about what I'd expect from an American twenty-something who has grown up privileged, yet under the thumb of tight restrictions on her image and behavior. It's about what I'd expect from someone who's been under the strain of a shaky engagement that could end any day, and feels she has something to prove.  And she's certainly not the first person who's ever professed faith in Jesus and then consistently behaved and spoken in ways contrary to Scripture. 

Jesus himself talked about this very situation…

He told the parable of the sower, found in Matthew 13. Verses 5-6 tell of seeds that "fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root." He goes on to explain in verses 20-21: "The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away."

Miley spoke openly like a Christian early in her career, and was baptized in 2005.  She even stated in 2010, "I am a Christian. Jesus is who saved me. He’s what keeps me full and whole." Sounds encouraging until you hear what she said right after that: "But everyone is entitled to what they believe and what keeps them full. Hopefully, I can influence people and help them follow the same path I am on, but it is not my job to tell people what they are doing wrong.”  

Yes, I suppose everyone's entitled. 

But I'm already detecting a bit of a problem in her statements, even back then. Jesus said that he is the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through him. (John 14:6) Miley continued to oppose Scripture by tweeting support for gay marriage and even the Big Bang Theory, in one highly controversial tweet that featured this quote from theoretical physicist Lawrence Krauss: "All the things that matter for evolution weren't created at the beginning of time, they were created in stars. So forget Jesus. Stars died so you could live." To this, Miley commented, "Beautiful." 

Jesus saw this coming when he told that parable. 

Does Jesus still love Miley Cyrus? Absolutely. Do I have even the remotest right to cast judgment on her? Nope. Is she really a true Christian? Only God knows. Is it really any of my blessed business? Hmmm… nope.

I'm going to wrap these thoughts with two really good ideas to remember. One's from Miley herself, and the other's from Scripture: 

"My job first is to entertain and do what I love, and if you don’t like it, then change the channel. I’m not forcing you to watch me. I’m not forcing you to talk about me. I would do that pole dance a thousand times again, because it was right for the song and that performance. But, dude, if you think [that dance] is bad, then go check what 90% of the high schoolers are really up to." —Miley Cyrus, 2010 interview with Parade

"…make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business…" 1 Thessalonians 4:11a

And that, my friends, is why I have no opinion.

Top Ten Indications That You've Waited Too Long to Mow

10.  You feel the constant need to apologize to your lawnmower.

9.  Your lawn is so tall that even snakes are afraid to go in.

8.  You find fossilized squirrels beneath the undergrowth.

7.  You have to climb on the roof to check the weather.

6.  The DEA keeps sending airplanes to circle your house, looking for a pot farm.

5.  You get a letter from the governor stating that your property is now a protected wilderness area.

4.  When venturing into the yard, you wear a headlamp and anchor yourself to the porch with safety lines, even in daytime.

3.  You leave food and water out for your dog, hoping she will be able to sniff her way to freedom.

2.  Pharmaceutical companies send research teams, hoping to discover new plant species.

And finally...

1.  Aliens leave intricate crop circles and a note that says,

     

>>^<<HUMAN SAMPLE COLLECTION FAILURE>>^<<COULD NOT LOCATE>>^<<

How To Say "I Love You" Using Mad Libs!

I'm sure you've seen those charts about "How to Formulate the Perfect Insult" circulating on the internet. You know, the ones where you mix and match. I find those funny right up until someone actually uses one of those phrases on another human being. Words have power! I decided I'd kill two birds with one stone in this post (not that I want to kill birds). 

First, I want to spread a little creative positivity out there. People need more of that, myself included. There are enough ways to insult others, but there can never be enough ways to build others up. 

Especially those we love most!

Second, I want to give a boost to the romantically challenged. This can be men OR women! If the love of your life is someone who craves freshness and change to add vitality to your relationship, then chances are you're the person who would be content to keep doing everything the same, day after day, until you DIE. (You can probably tell which kind of person I am!) It's not that a good old-fashioned "I love you" is ever outdated. It's great to say that! But there are countless other ways to express the same sentiment that will keep it interesting. Take on my creativity, okay? Own it! Call it a "cheat sheet" if you want. Yes, finally a head start for YOU when it comes to being romantic. (And here's a nerdy thought: There are at least 720 unique love expressions possible, just from what's here. After you customize and add to the lists, the possibilities are endless!)

I'm sure you already figured this out...

...but I'm just going to state the obvious. Don't show this cheat sheet to the object of your affection! Get your phrase ready beforehand and say it a few times first. Then let 'em have it! Be prepared to have to explain yourself the first few times you let one of these fly. Doe-eyed sincerity is the key. Never, I repeat, NEVER use these phrases to butter somebody up, or they'll lose their magic! Okay, go be fresh!

     (List A)    , I     (List B)     you. I think you're     (List C)    . 
    

LIST A

Hey sexy

You should know

Just in case I haven't told you today

By the way

Never forget

Not to sound redundant, but

Just a quick reminder

MEMO from me

Remember

(Insert their name)

LIST B

love

admire

dig

deeply respect

miss

cherish

have a crush on

am obsessed with

am so attracted to

am so amazed by

LIST C

awesomesauce

wondermous

the best friend/lover ever

definitely my favorite human being

talented

beautiful/handsome

more than I deserve

such a treasure

uniquely brilliant

the best thing since (insert something awesome here)

Here's a cheat sheet you can pin or print:

I'd love to hear about it if this worked well for you. Leave me a comment! :D

How To Get Clean in 10 Easy Steps

If you have ever cared for a toddler, then you know that meal times can be a hilarious mess! So today's post is brought to you by a 1-year-old boy... not that other toddlers actually need the advice. ;)

How To Get Clean in 10 Easy Steps

1. Hold up left hand to be wiped. 

2. Hold up right hand to be wiped while smearing clean left hand in high chair tray food.

3. Hold up left hand to be wiped a second time while locating soggy crackers in lap with clean right hand and squishing them between fingers. Quickly rub soggy crackers into hair and eyebrows.

4. Hold up right hand to be wiped a second time while rubbing left hand through the soggy cracker in hair and eyebrows, spreading it into the ear canals if possible.

5. Turn head from side to side while hair, eyebrows, and ears are being wiped, making sure to keep trouble spots well out of reach. Rub hands together to distribute remaining soggy cracker evenly over hands and front of parental shirt.

6. Get one last swipe of food tray residue as the tray is being removed from high chair; rub into freshly wiped hair.

7. Hold up right hand to be wiped a third time while using left hand to spread soggy cracker and food tray residue into parental sleeve or arm hair.

8. Hold up left hand to be wiped a third time while using right hand to pick wads of drying food off bib and toss them on the floor.

9. Continue the dodge-and-weave technique while hair and face are being wiped a second time, while using both hands to squish remaining bib residue between fingers.

10. After parent mumbles the word "whatever" and one is lifted from the high chair, use parental hair, shoulders, arms, face, and chest as a towel to remove about half remaining food residue. Wear the rest of it till bath time.

MEMO: The Sabbath has been moved

Something occurred to me the other day...

I was feeling guilty about not reading my Bible more often. I know I should. I even have one in the bathroom! I began to consider WHY I don't read my Bible more often. I got introspective for awhile, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to me some sort of epiphany. Was I believing in lies about the Bible, that made me shy away from reading it? Was God mad at me for not reading it?

Then I got a pang of guilt (not the healthy kind) and a little voice whispered, "How can you expect God to just show you stuff out of thin air, just at random, when you haven't been reading your Bible? You MUST read your Bible, because THAT is how he will talk to you, not with you sitting there on the pot, trying to have some lazy conversation with him. You do your part, and only THEN will he do his. If you expect God's favor, you have to work for it, lady!" 

Okay.  Just typing that out makes me angry!  There are tiny fragments of truth in there, but they were twisted into a lie, right there while I was asking God to reveal lies!  Yes, God DOES speak through Scripture, quite awesomely. I ran across Hebrews 4:12, which says, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." So of course, reading the Bible is quite an ideal way to hear from God, keep his truth straight in my mind, and let him reveal to me what's in my heart. 

But God has NO limits to how he speaks, or when. He revealed to me that I have avoided Him, tragically, out of guilt because I hadn't read his "love letter" lately.  I would find myself completely unsurprised that I couldn't seem to hear his voice. Of course he wouldn't talk to ME. Why should he, when I forget to talk to him?  Y'know what? That is such a lie.

He speaks to whom he will, in any way he chooses. 

It's not based on some pious act of seeking him with just the right formula of prayer and Scripture reading. He talks to me often, and I don't need to worry about him going silent when I forget to read my Bible.

I thought a little longer about it, and it dawned on me that I believed the Bible is boring. That's right, boring. Even those translations that change the "thou shalt nots" into "don'ts." Just being really honest here, but maybe you can relate: I could read a few verses to pass the time while sitting on the pot, but beyond that… meh.  When I do pick it up, it's usually to find something, or out of a sense of guilt or duty. 

The Holy Spirit interrupted this train of thought by bringing to mind the phrase, "the word of God is living and active..." but I had to Google it because I had already forgotten where I'd heard that lately… Yeah, guess where it was? Hebrews 4:12 again. Chills, anyone? 

Living. Active. That doesn't sound boring...

I ended up reading the entire 4th chapter of Hebrews (it's short enough to read while my 2-year-old bangs on the bathroom door, so you have time to go read it too!) and it just blew my mind.  It talks about the Israelites who, in their pride, refused to obey God and therefore didn't enter his rest. It directly correlates to the Sabbath rest that God declared for himself on the 7th day, and then there's a memo to believers: 

The Sabbath has been moved. It will now be celebrated on a different day... it's called Today.  

So if it's "today," then God has declared that I rest from my works. Not the laundry and dishes kind of works, unfortunately, but the spiritual kind of works. Like reading my Bible to make God love me enough to talk to me. Like praying more to earn his favor. If his new Sabbath rest is always TODAY, that means that if I work for my salvation, like, EVER again, I am in disobedience like the Israelites. God is not angered by my failures, he's angered by my prideful efforts to earn his favor and righteousness. Think of that! 

Then he goes on in Hebrews 4 to describe his word as being living and active... that is, Jesus the Word! (Check out John 1:1- "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.") Jesus is the one who brings the words of Scripture to life and gives them meaning and context. It's not just the Bible, it's Jesus! He is the one who divides even my soul and spirit, and shows my heart and thoughts for what they are. He is the great High Priest who empathizes with my every weakness. It is he who got me that great framework of grace to come before God and enter his rest. That is not boring, that is mind-blowing! Satan wants me to see THAT as a dusty, antiquated book that I "ought" to read out of guilt, when really it's the fabric of the freaking' universe!

I could go on, but I really need to absorb this right now. God showed up and really showed me,

"Not only am I not boring, but I am your living, active ANSWER! You already have my love and approval, so enter my rest!"