This blog post is for myself, primarily. Feel free to eavesdrop if you wish!
These are parenting lessons I've learned both from experience with my Short People and from people far wiser than I am.
I tend to operate best when I live by these principles, but I often forget them until after a potentially awesome moment has passed with a sad trombone "wah-wah-wwaaahhhh" of mediocrity. So I've decided to collect them all in one place, for my own reference. Maybe they'll help you too! It's just extra awesome that they all somehow start with the same letter. *wink wink!*
Here's what happens.
I get absorbed in a task that has me completely preoccupied. I'm making good progress, and then it occurs to me that my children are eerily quiet. I go into the next room, and there's the reason: a wayward child has procured a bag of Oreos and a box of Sharpies to create an original masterpiece on his bedroom wall! Uhhh… for example.
My best move at that point is to take pictures. Y'know, for… posterity. Then I suck it up and bust out the Magic Erasers. Because when stuff like this happens, I know that the blame rests squarely on my own shoulders. I was tuned out.
But this doesn't just happen with little kids. It happens in a more insidious way with my older ones who start to drift away from me emotionally or relationally. It doesn't happen overnight. Little by little, their moorings loosen until I realize their chores are in an awful state or they're trying to solve matters of the heart by watching My Little Pony. Where was I?
So here's the battle plan:
10 big ideas to parent PROactively, rather than REactively… because so much poor behavior begins way before I see it.
1. Interact
I can interest myself in my child's world through interaction.
Just like me, my child has an inner life, big feelings, opinions, perceptions, loves, and desires. He is building his world whether I'm ready or not—so we'll build a world together! My curiosity and enthusiasm for who he is will keep our hearts close. It will grant me precious influence and trust.
2. Invest
I must devote time to care for my child emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I find that a huge percentage of the cases when misbehavior is a result of "acting out," it's because I've got a hungry or sad child who needs investment and I've let them go too long without it. I know it sounds absurdly obvious, but I find it easy to forget even the simplest things sometimes, like a snack. Why is this child so cranky?? Oh yes, because he ate three hours ago and he's in a growth spurt. He's too little to say, "Mother dear, it would appear that my blood sugar is crashing and my brain is awash in stress hormones." Keeping an eye on the clock so I know when his last calories and decent romp in the dirt happened is something I can do. I just have to do it.
Why is this girl so mopey? Oh yes, possibly because she got off the bus an hour ago and I have said nothing to her but "Do your homework," "Feed the dog," and "Put your backpack away." She needs to hear that I missed her. She needs to tell me that the class had to undergo group punishment for the offenses of some. She needs a hug! Taking time to look into her eyes and hear her is something I can do. I just have to do it.
3. Include
I can involve my kids in my daily activities as much as possible.
This is not new advice, but I need to heed it more often! All my kids, but particularly my littlest, start acting persnickety when they feel just plain left out!
My pastor just made a comment last weekend that God is a good dad who likes to take his kids to work with him. We don't make his job any easier; in fact, we often make it harder. But he lets us help because of how much we grow from it. That resonated with me because I tend to focus on how much longer a job will take if I have "helpers." I forget that I can be using those times as an opportunity to instill a love for hard work and camaraderie in my kids. Plus, if they're with me, then I can see what they're doing at all times!
My pastor just made a comment last weekend that God is a good dad who likes to take his kids to work with him. We don't make his job any easier; in fact, we often make it harder. But he lets us help because of how much we grow from it. That resonated with me because I tend to focus on how much longer a job will take if I have "helpers." I forget that I can be using those times as an opportunity to instill a love for hard work and camaraderie in my kids. Plus, if they're with me, then I can see what they're doing at all times!
4. Instruct
It's only fair that I train my child to do what is expected, step by step.
This seems obvious too, but I can't count the number of times I've been frustrated that my kids didn't "know any better" about how to act. Why should they? How does this information get into their heads? I have to put it there. Of course they chew with their mouths open. Of course they leave their belongings everywhere. Of course they touch ALLOFTHETHINGS. It's human nature! If I want a different result, I'll have to teach them strategies for how to get there. I'll have to train their memories over time.
How would I feel if I got a new job that required on-the-job training, and immediately got into trouble with my boss for not knowing what to do? I'd feel like I'd gotten the shaft! I would want to be trained and given feedback to improve, not learn by trial and error by being yelled at every time I made a mistake.
In the same way, my tender kiddos learn best when I teach them what to do in a positive, low-pressure environment. I can have them restaurant ready a lot faster by mocking up a few candlelight dinners at home and letting them practice than I can by tossing them into a noisy, crowded dining room full of strangers and then yanking out my hair when they act like they've never been in a restaurant before!
5. Illustrate
I absolutely must model the behavior I'm asking from my child.
This one sucks sometimes. It pokes my lazy bone a bit. I really shouldn't be eating cereal straight out of the box if I've just told my kids not to. I should keep my own room clean if I expect my kids to clean theirs. Ouch, right? I know. Yes, parents have authority and kids don't. Parents could technically get off the hook with some kind of philosophical argument here. But every time I make myself a hypocrite, I am courting rebellion. It's only a matter of time before intelligent kids ask why I don't live what I teach. So I'd better live what I teach. If I'm not prepared to do that, best not to draw a line.
6. Inspect
Gotta make sure that what I've asked them to do is actually being done.
This is where I often fall down. Just issuing orders is not enough when we're dealing with human beings. I have to follow up! I hate to say it, because I love my kids, but they will naturally tend toward ease and forgetfulness. Count on it. I can hand a child a carrot and tell her to eat it, but if I never check on her, I will find that same carrot shriveled up in a drawer six months later. Not that I've had this happen, mind you.
Kids need accountability. I need to check in respectfully and often. Get them understanding that nothing gets by me. They WILL be caught, because Mom has (loving) eyes everywhere.
7. Insulate
It's important I respect my kids' temptation limits, and bear them in mind.
Remember that part of the Lord's Prayer where Jesus teaches us to request of God, "Lead us not into temptation"? After having kids, I'm starting to have a theory about why that is. I know I'm weak in certain areas. What if, on the way to an important meeting, I encounter a room full of Krispy Kreme donuts and screens playing Doctor Who reruns? I'd have a real fight on my hands getting to that freakin' meeting. What if I knew that if I called ahead, someone could lock that door so I don't even have to see all that irresistible, frosted, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey goodness? What a relief that would be!
God tells us he never gives us more temptation than we can bear, but with any temptation, he provides a way of escape. I need to be that same kind of parent. Resisting temptation is a skill that has to be developed over time. Put too much tantalizing stuff out there, and the poor kid will feel defeated. Child-proof the house TOO much, and they never get to practice. This is where planning and paying attention have to happen, and laziness on my part will absolutely kill my efforts. I'll have to watch carefully in order to know my child, know what they're ready to take on. Put some stuff away, leave some stuff out. Cheer when they succeed. Make them sit in one spot if they're not ready to roam the house with a PB&J sammy. Insulate them from taking on too much temptation so they can succeed.
8. Influence
I have to remember that the things my kids take in will shape their behavior.
Many people have studied and written on the effects of sugar, chemicals, poor nutrition, violent media, and a host of other factors on kids' behavior. So I'm not here to rehash that stuff. I need to educate myself in those areas and then act accordingly. That's what common sense is for. Kids will generally mimic what they see on TV, and many kids are sensitive to the foods they eat. Do these things determine their fates with absolute fatalistic certainty? Nope. But they don't leave them untouched either.
If I want my kids sparring and busting ninja moves on each other, by all means, I'll turn on movies full of action sequences. If I want my daughter waiting for a prince to come kiss her and planning her wedding day like it's the grand finale of her life, then I'll break out the princess flicks. I've seen both of these happen within a predictable 15-minute window of the closing credits.
But influence isn't just about what to avoid. I can turn it to the positive, too.
I can influence creativity by providing toys and art supplies that require imagination. I can nurture gratitude by creating opportunities to serve and give to others. I can surround my kids with people who are worth emulating. Because they will emulate!
9. Independentize
Yes, that is a word. I looked it up.
This means I'm gradually training my kids to handle being alone, while building my trust in them. "Character is who you are when nobody's watching." I can't always watch. Someday my kids will be on their own. I can't let that day sneak up on me. I have to plan for it now. Yes, this means giving them more and more responsibility and less and less supervision. But it doesn't just mean trying not to hover while (somewhat suspiciously) hoping they come through. It means that even now, before they're ready, I can ignite their imaginations with a vision of what gaining another's trust means. I can inspire them with the privileges that maturity brings. I don't have to force them into early adulthood, but I certainly don't have to neglect them into lingering adolescence either. Milestones are exciting, and I'm going to be a great tour guide.
10. Intercede
I need to pray for my kiddos!
The easiest, the hardest, the most important one of all. All the mom mojo in the world isn't going to be enough without this important step. Nuff said.
