"Sometimes I Feel Ugly..."

My little Winkerbean just said that to me today.

"Sometimes I feel ugly, and I want to hide." My heart broke when I heard those words come out of that pretty little mouth. Those beautiful, perfect, cupid's bow lips that I used to steal kisses from when she was a sleeping infant were now speaking of ugliness. Her own ugliness? I realized two earth-shattering things at the same time.

First, my little girl isn't so little any more.

Little kids think about life inside their little universe. They delight in the tickle of ladybug feet across their palms. They chase bubbles. They are just beginning to understand that there are other people in the world besides themselves and their immediate family. I have yet to see a little kid who is self-conscious. Winkerbean isn't little. She's starting to consider how other people see her. She's going to be nine years old before I blink.

The second thing I realized was my ghastly mistake...

I'm horrified when I think about it. I have tried on clothes with a disgusted look on my face, muttering under my breath that I should just wear a potato sack instead, to hide my ugly body. I have yanked out gray hairs and bemoaned the fact that I'm getting old too soon and don't want to lose my pretty brunette locks. I have compared myself to others whom I find more attractive than myself and given in to discouragement... all while my daughter looks on and absorbs everything. And now, with tears streaming down my face, I realize what I've done. I've taught her that what she wears is for other people to see and appreciate. That getting older is not an honor, but a dreadful curse. That the way to tell if you're beautiful is to look around you and see how you compare.

I would never say those things to her. But I have... just not with words.

This is one more example of how the student becomes like the teacher. But this teacher has just repented. I know my loving heavenly Father is heartbroken to hear me utter words of ugliness... when I believe the lie that my beauty comes from the outside. Just as heartbroken as I am when my little girl says those things about herself. It sounds preposterous to me that my little girl feels ugly, but it is no less preposterous when I feel it. The truth is, God made us both, and he's the one who gets to decide what ugly is.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." —Psalm 139:4

I'm not on the ugly list. Maybe I am to some people, but not to my Creator.

"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, 

but the LORD looks on the heart.” —1 Samuel 16:7b

I'm so sorry, little Winkerbean. I made a mistake, and I was so wrong. I AM beautiful... because God made me that way. I forgot that. God help me, I need to be a better example of that from now on. You are a breathtaking, lovely girl, inside and out, because God made you that way. You have a beautiful smile, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful heart. Don't ever hide that.

MEMO: The Sabbath has been moved

Something occurred to me the other day...

I was feeling guilty about not reading my Bible more often. I know I should. I even have one in the bathroom! I began to consider WHY I don't read my Bible more often. I got introspective for awhile, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to me some sort of epiphany. Was I believing in lies about the Bible, that made me shy away from reading it? Was God mad at me for not reading it?

Then I got a pang of guilt (not the healthy kind) and a little voice whispered, "How can you expect God to just show you stuff out of thin air, just at random, when you haven't been reading your Bible? You MUST read your Bible, because THAT is how he will talk to you, not with you sitting there on the pot, trying to have some lazy conversation with him. You do your part, and only THEN will he do his. If you expect God's favor, you have to work for it, lady!" 

Okay.  Just typing that out makes me angry!  There are tiny fragments of truth in there, but they were twisted into a lie, right there while I was asking God to reveal lies!  Yes, God DOES speak through Scripture, quite awesomely. I ran across Hebrews 4:12, which says, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." So of course, reading the Bible is quite an ideal way to hear from God, keep his truth straight in my mind, and let him reveal to me what's in my heart. 

But God has NO limits to how he speaks, or when. He revealed to me that I have avoided Him, tragically, out of guilt because I hadn't read his "love letter" lately.  I would find myself completely unsurprised that I couldn't seem to hear his voice. Of course he wouldn't talk to ME. Why should he, when I forget to talk to him?  Y'know what? That is such a lie.

He speaks to whom he will, in any way he chooses. 

It's not based on some pious act of seeking him with just the right formula of prayer and Scripture reading. He talks to me often, and I don't need to worry about him going silent when I forget to read my Bible.

I thought a little longer about it, and it dawned on me that I believed the Bible is boring. That's right, boring. Even those translations that change the "thou shalt nots" into "don'ts." Just being really honest here, but maybe you can relate: I could read a few verses to pass the time while sitting on the pot, but beyond that… meh.  When I do pick it up, it's usually to find something, or out of a sense of guilt or duty. 

The Holy Spirit interrupted this train of thought by bringing to mind the phrase, "the word of God is living and active..." but I had to Google it because I had already forgotten where I'd heard that lately… Yeah, guess where it was? Hebrews 4:12 again. Chills, anyone? 

Living. Active. That doesn't sound boring...

I ended up reading the entire 4th chapter of Hebrews (it's short enough to read while my 2-year-old bangs on the bathroom door, so you have time to go read it too!) and it just blew my mind.  It talks about the Israelites who, in their pride, refused to obey God and therefore didn't enter his rest. It directly correlates to the Sabbath rest that God declared for himself on the 7th day, and then there's a memo to believers: 

The Sabbath has been moved. It will now be celebrated on a different day... it's called Today.  

So if it's "today," then God has declared that I rest from my works. Not the laundry and dishes kind of works, unfortunately, but the spiritual kind of works. Like reading my Bible to make God love me enough to talk to me. Like praying more to earn his favor. If his new Sabbath rest is always TODAY, that means that if I work for my salvation, like, EVER again, I am in disobedience like the Israelites. God is not angered by my failures, he's angered by my prideful efforts to earn his favor and righteousness. Think of that! 

Then he goes on in Hebrews 4 to describe his word as being living and active... that is, Jesus the Word! (Check out John 1:1- "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.") Jesus is the one who brings the words of Scripture to life and gives them meaning and context. It's not just the Bible, it's Jesus! He is the one who divides even my soul and spirit, and shows my heart and thoughts for what they are. He is the great High Priest who empathizes with my every weakness. It is he who got me that great framework of grace to come before God and enter his rest. That is not boring, that is mind-blowing! Satan wants me to see THAT as a dusty, antiquated book that I "ought" to read out of guilt, when really it's the fabric of the freaking' universe!

I could go on, but I really need to absorb this right now. God showed up and really showed me,

"Not only am I not boring, but I am your living, active ANSWER! You already have my love and approval, so enter my rest!"