10 Ways to Stop Bad Behavior Before It Starts

This blog post is for myself, primarily. Feel free to eavesdrop if you wish! 

These are parenting lessons I've learned both from experience with my Short People and from people far wiser than I am. 

I tend to operate best when I live by these principles, but I often forget them until after a potentially awesome moment has passed with a sad trombone "wah-wah-wwaaahhhh" of mediocrity. So I've decided to collect them all in one place, for my own reference. Maybe they'll help you too! It's just extra awesome that they all somehow start with the same letter. *wink wink!*

Here's what happens. 

I get absorbed in a task that has me completely preoccupied. I'm making good progress, and then it occurs to me that my children are eerily quiet. I go into the next room, and there's the reason: a wayward child has procured a bag of Oreos and a box of Sharpies to create an original masterpiece on his bedroom wall! Uhhh… for example.

My best move at that point is to take pictures. Y'know, for… posterity. Then I suck it up and bust out the Magic Erasers. Because when stuff like this happens, I know that the blame rests squarely on my own shoulders. I was tuned out.

But this doesn't just happen with little kids. It happens in a more insidious way with my older ones who start to drift away from me emotionally or relationally. It doesn't happen overnight. Little by little, their moorings loosen until I realize their chores are in an awful state or they're trying to solve matters of the heart by watching My Little Pony. Where was I?

So here's the battle plan: 

10 big ideas to parent PROactively, rather than REactively… because so much poor behavior begins way before I see it.

1. Interact

I can interest myself in my child's world through interaction. 

Just like me, my child has an inner life, big feelings, opinions, perceptions, loves, and desires. He is building his world whether I'm ready or not—so we'll build a world together! My curiosity and enthusiasm for who he is will keep our hearts close. It will grant me precious influence and trust.

2. Invest

I must devote time to care for my child emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

I find that a huge percentage of the cases when misbehavior is a result of "acting out," it's because I've got a hungry or sad child who needs investment and I've let them go too long without it. I know it sounds absurdly obvious, but I find it easy to forget even the simplest things sometimes, like a snack. Why is this child so cranky?? Oh yes, because he ate three hours ago and he's in a growth spurt. He's too little to say, "Mother dear, it would appear that my blood sugar is crashing and my brain is awash in stress hormones." Keeping an eye on the clock so I know when his last calories and decent romp in the dirt happened is something I can do. I just have to do it. 

Why is this girl so mopey? Oh yes, possibly because she got off the bus an hour ago and I have said nothing to her but "Do your homework," "Feed the dog," and "Put your backpack away." She needs to hear that I missed her. She needs to tell me that the class had to undergo group punishment for the offenses of some. She needs a hug! Taking time to look into her eyes and hear her is something I can do. I just have to do it. 

3. Include

I can involve my kids in my daily activities as much as possible. 

This is not new advice, but I need to heed it more often! All my kids, but particularly my littlest, start acting persnickety when they feel just plain left out!
My pastor just made a comment last weekend that God is a good dad who likes to take his kids to work with him. We don't make his job any easier; in fact, we often make it harder. But he lets us help because of how much we grow from it. That resonated with me because I tend to focus on how much longer a job will take if I have "helpers." I forget that I can be using those times as an opportunity to instill a love for hard work and camaraderie in my kids. Plus, if they're with me, then I can see what they're doing at all times!

4. Instruct

It's only fair that I train my child to do what is expected, step by step. 

This seems obvious too, but I can't count the number of times I've been frustrated that my kids didn't "know any better" about how to act. Why should they? How does this information get into their heads? I have to put it there. Of course they chew with their mouths open. Of course they leave their belongings everywhere. Of course they touch ALLOFTHETHINGS. It's human nature! If I want a different result, I'll have to teach them strategies for how to get there. I'll have to train their memories over time. 

How would I feel if I got a new job that required on-the-job training, and immediately got into trouble with my boss for not knowing what to do? I'd feel like I'd gotten the shaft! I would want to be trained and given feedback to improve, not learn by trial and error by being yelled at every time I made a mistake. 

In the same way, my tender kiddos learn best when I teach them what to do in a positive, low-pressure environment. I can have them restaurant ready a lot faster by mocking up a few candlelight dinners at home and letting them practice than I can by tossing them into a noisy, crowded dining room full of strangers and then yanking out my hair when they act like they've never been in a restaurant before! 

5. Illustrate

I absolutely must model the behavior I'm asking from my child. 

This one sucks sometimes. It pokes my lazy bone a bit. I really shouldn't be eating cereal straight out of the box if I've just told my kids not to. I should keep my own room clean if I expect my kids to clean theirs. Ouch, right? I know. Yes, parents have authority and kids don't. Parents could technically get off the hook with some kind of philosophical argument here. But every time I make myself a hypocrite, I am courting rebellion. It's only a matter of time before intelligent kids ask why I don't live what I teach. So I'd better live what I teach. If I'm not prepared to do that, best not to draw a line. 

6. Inspect

Gotta make sure that what I've asked them to do is actually being done. 

This is where I often fall down. Just issuing orders is not enough when we're dealing with human beings. I have to follow up! I hate to say it, because I love my kids, but they will naturally tend toward ease and forgetfulness. Count on it. I can hand a child a carrot and tell her to eat it, but if I never check on her, I will find that same carrot shriveled up in a drawer six months later. Not that I've had this happen, mind you.

Kids need accountability. I need to check in respectfully and often. Get them understanding that nothing gets by me. They WILL be caught, because Mom has (loving) eyes everywhere.

7. Insulate

It's important I respect my kids' temptation limits, and bear them in mind. 

Remember that part of the Lord's Prayer where Jesus teaches us to request of God, "Lead us not into temptation"? After having kids, I'm starting to have a theory about why that is. I know I'm weak in certain areas. What if, on the way to an important meeting, I encounter a room full of Krispy Kreme donuts and screens playing Doctor Who reruns? I'd have a real fight on my hands getting to that freakin' meeting. What if I knew that if I called ahead, someone could lock that door so I don't even have to see all that irresistible, frosted, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey goodness? What a relief that would be! 

God tells us he never gives us more temptation than we can bear, but with any temptation, he provides a way of escape. I need to be that same kind of parent. Resisting temptation is a skill that has to be developed over time. Put too much tantalizing stuff out there, and the poor kid will feel defeated. Child-proof the house TOO much, and they never get to practice. This is where planning and paying attention have to happen, and laziness on my part will absolutely kill my efforts. I'll have to watch carefully in order to know my child, know what they're ready to take on. Put some stuff away, leave some stuff out. Cheer when they succeed. Make them sit in one spot if they're not ready to roam the house with a PB&J sammy. Insulate them from taking on too much temptation so they can succeed. 

8. Influence

I have to remember that the things my kids take in will shape their behavior. 

Many people have studied and written on the effects of sugar, chemicals, poor nutrition, violent media, and a host of other factors on kids' behavior. So I'm not here to rehash that stuff. I need to educate myself in those areas and then act accordingly. That's what common sense is for. Kids will generally mimic what they see on TV, and many kids are sensitive to the foods they eat. Do these things determine their fates with absolute fatalistic certainty? Nope. But they don't leave them untouched either. 

If I want my kids sparring and busting ninja moves on each other, by all means, I'll turn on movies full of action sequences. If I want my daughter waiting for a prince to come kiss her and planning her wedding day like it's the grand finale of her life, then I'll break out the princess flicks. I've seen both of these happen within a predictable 15-minute window of the closing credits.

But influence isn't just about what to avoid. I can turn it to the positive, too.

I can influence creativity by providing toys and art supplies that require imagination. I can nurture gratitude by creating opportunities to serve and give to others. I can surround my kids with people who are worth emulating. Because they will emulate! 

9. Independentize 

Yes, that is a word. I looked it up. 

This means I'm gradually training my kids to handle being alone, while building my trust in them. "Character is who you are when nobody's watching." I can't always watch. Someday my kids will be on their own. I can't let that day sneak up on me. I have to plan for it now. Yes, this means giving them more and more responsibility and less and less supervision. But it doesn't just mean trying not to hover while (somewhat suspiciously) hoping they come through. It means that even now, before they're ready, I can ignite their imaginations with a vision of what gaining another's trust means. I can inspire them with the privileges that maturity brings. I don't have to force them into early adulthood, but I certainly don't have to neglect them into lingering adolescence either. Milestones are exciting, and I'm going to be a great tour guide. 

10. Intercede

I need to pray for my kiddos!

The easiest, the hardest, the most important one of all. All the mom mojo in the world isn't going to be enough without this important step. Nuff said.

"Sometimes I Feel Ugly..."

My little Winkerbean just said that to me today.

"Sometimes I feel ugly, and I want to hide." My heart broke when I heard those words come out of that pretty little mouth. Those beautiful, perfect, cupid's bow lips that I used to steal kisses from when she was a sleeping infant were now speaking of ugliness. Her own ugliness? I realized two earth-shattering things at the same time.

First, my little girl isn't so little any more.

Little kids think about life inside their little universe. They delight in the tickle of ladybug feet across their palms. They chase bubbles. They are just beginning to understand that there are other people in the world besides themselves and their immediate family. I have yet to see a little kid who is self-conscious. Winkerbean isn't little. She's starting to consider how other people see her. She's going to be nine years old before I blink.

The second thing I realized was my ghastly mistake...

I'm horrified when I think about it. I have tried on clothes with a disgusted look on my face, muttering under my breath that I should just wear a potato sack instead, to hide my ugly body. I have yanked out gray hairs and bemoaned the fact that I'm getting old too soon and don't want to lose my pretty brunette locks. I have compared myself to others whom I find more attractive than myself and given in to discouragement... all while my daughter looks on and absorbs everything. And now, with tears streaming down my face, I realize what I've done. I've taught her that what she wears is for other people to see and appreciate. That getting older is not an honor, but a dreadful curse. That the way to tell if you're beautiful is to look around you and see how you compare.

I would never say those things to her. But I have... just not with words.

This is one more example of how the student becomes like the teacher. But this teacher has just repented. I know my loving heavenly Father is heartbroken to hear me utter words of ugliness... when I believe the lie that my beauty comes from the outside. Just as heartbroken as I am when my little girl says those things about herself. It sounds preposterous to me that my little girl feels ugly, but it is no less preposterous when I feel it. The truth is, God made us both, and he's the one who gets to decide what ugly is.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." —Psalm 139:4

I'm not on the ugly list. Maybe I am to some people, but not to my Creator.

"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, 

but the LORD looks on the heart.” —1 Samuel 16:7b

I'm so sorry, little Winkerbean. I made a mistake, and I was so wrong. I AM beautiful... because God made me that way. I forgot that. God help me, I need to be a better example of that from now on. You are a breathtaking, lovely girl, inside and out, because God made you that way. You have a beautiful smile, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful heart. Don't ever hide that.

The Curse

There's a joke on my side of the family…

We call it "The Curse." It began with my grandmother, who, worn down by witty comebacks, told her young daughter in a fit of exasperation, "Someday you're going to have a daughter and she's going to be just LIKE YOU!" To begin with, stories about my grandmother's humor are legendary and retold to this day. She had a sort of warped, random humor that gave her a love of poetry such as this: 

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the heck you are, I think?

I'm not under the ocfluence of inkahol,

Although some thinkle peep I are!

Oh I fool so feelish, I don't know who is me,

And the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Grandma was the one who would be going about her day and randomly say things like, "'BALLS!' cried the queen. 'If I had two, I'd be king!'" She was also the one who loved to retell the story of the time she went to the store and couldn't find the Tampax. The cashier called the stock boy over the intercom (yes, the whole store could hear) and asked him to bring some Tampax up to the check stand, but he misunderstood. Thinking she was asking for tacks, he called back over the intercom and asked, "Is that the kind you push in with your thumb, or pound in with a hammer?"

My mother, who is also a bit warped and random, adds punny to the mix for good measure. Her particular brand of humor is a charming, self-deprecating kind of humor. She doesn't mind being the punchline sometimes, and she calls things as she sees them. (For example, dining room light fixtures are not "chandeliers" in our family, they're "table hats.") 

"The Curse" apparently came true when I was born. 

I am JUST like my mother. Although it seems with every generation, a new facet of humor develops. I've taken my grandma's warped randomness, combined with my mother's punniness, then added my own cerebral brand of dryness and an odd (rarely helpful) ability to memorize one-liners to it all. Lord, help me. And one day during my childhood, my mother, worn down by my witty comebacks, told me in a fit of exasperation, "Someday you're going to have a daughter and she's going to be just LIKE YOU!" When Winkerbean was born, I thought I'd escaped. She's just like her daddy. 

But then Sweet Pea was born.

This girl is such a character! She describes being sick as when "your fever is sticking out and your nose is gone." She steps on the scale and says, "I'm just going to weigh my feet." And she threatens her sister with zingers like, "If you don't quit being bossy to me, God is going to turn you into salad dressing!" But is she really just like me? Everyone else says so. That scares me a little, because I realize more and more that it isn't just my humor that I'm passing on. 

"A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained 

will be like his teacher." —Luke 6:40

This verse tells me that I've got little disciples in my house, and when they're fully trained, each one of them will be like me in some way, family "curse" or not. By watching me, are they learning… 

• Not to take themselves too seriously?
• To have a gracious attitude toward others who inconvenience or wrong them?
• To open their Bibles and let God speak to their hearts on a regular basis?
• To persevere in prayer, even through the tough and boring parts of life?
• To put Jesus first before any other earthly loves?

I could get really freaked out about whether I'm a good enough example. But I'm not going to. Why? Because I'm going to screw it up regularly and have to repent before God and my kids. I'm going to have to let them know I've sinned and that by God's grace I'm becoming more and more like Jesus each day. I'm also not going to worry because we're told in Scripture not to be anxious about anything; but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let our requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6) So I thank God for my Short People. I thank God for the weighty responsibility given to The Captain and me to disciple their little hearts. And I ask the Lord to begin his good work in them and bring it to completion himself, so that He, not I, will get the glory for that. 

And the next time Sweet Pea cracks a joke about broken automobiles needing a "CAR-o-practor," I'm just going to hug her and say, "Someday I hope you have a daughter who's just like you."