Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Slow To Speak



I have had so little to say lately.  See the starfish?  Self portrait.

My last blog post was over two weeks ago, but each time I've attempted to put some thoughts down since then, I've found I really don't have anything that original to say. I imagine you, dear reader, skimming halfway through it and realizing you just wasted five minutes of your day reading something that numerous others have already said in some form.

I can't think of much to share on Facebook either. 

My status updates are half as numerous, and they're mostly about my kids. I change my mind and delete about 90% of the comments I'm about to post, because I'm not convinced that they'll actually make anybody's day better.  Someone in my friend list posted an emotional plea yesterday, trying to persuade others to agree with her about a hot-button parenting issue. I'm not one for arguing just for the sake of arguing, especially about issues like this one, but quite often I'll chime in and encourage people to look at facts and decide with their heads rather than out of fear. But last night, after crafting a reply and making it as diplomatic and tactful as I could, I just couldn't hit "Enter." The chance of being misinterpreted was too great. I pasted it into a private message instead. I tweaked it to be more personal and less general. I still couldn't send it. In my mind, it seemed far-fetched that my words would suddenly sway her, not even from her opinions, but just from her crusading battle tactics. Quite out of character, I decided that deleting the whole thing and letting it go seemed more like the loving thing to do.



This is all very weird for me.

I'm never at a loss for words. Refraining from having my thoughts like a rotating sprinkler head on full blast has really been more my problem in life. It's not like I've suddenly decided to stop talking. It's happening quite without my intervention. It seems to be step 2 in the process God is doing in my heart. The first step was beginning my education on pain (which you can read about by clicking HERE). Now it seems that He's literally taking away my ability to articulate a quick opinion about everything. I think this falls into the miracle category, seriously. If I can come up with one at all, I have doubts about expressing it. For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing what it's like to be truly slow to speak.

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person
be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..." —James 1:19

Is it okay to be this quiet?

I think so. :) Social media create the opposite environment, making it easy for me to be anything but quiet. I think that as a society, we're getting to the point where we expect to hear about every dessert people make and every pumpkin their kids sit on. I'm certainly not saying that's a bad thing, and I enjoy the convenience of being able to reach so many friends so quickly. But from where I'm sitting, it's also starting to look like another way to talk without thinking. I'm starting to question, is what I'm about to say going to benefit anyone? The majority of the time, no. Is this a sign that I'm depressed and having low self-esteem? I don't think so. 

But I looked it up, just to make sure...

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, 
but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." —Proverbs 10:19

"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, 
but only in expressing his opinion." —Proverbs 18:2

And my personal favorite:

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, 
but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, 
that it may give grace to those who hear." —Ephesians 4:29



I combed through the Bible just to make sure there wasn't a verse in there about being entitled to my opinions or speaking often so that people can really know me. I got nothing. It was very un-American. It kept saying in various ways that I am created to know God and help others know Him, not me. And it also seemed to indicate that the more I say, the more potential I have for getting myself into trouble. I can certainly attest to that. I keep waiting for the sprinkler head to come back on and spew out all those opinions I used to be so proud of. I have no guarantee that it won't ever happen.

But it seems like the more I understand of God, the quieter I get.


...Leave me a comment! :D

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Embrace of Pain



I had my body stolen when I was twelve. 

No, it wasn't alien abduction. Although that would be pretty cool if it meant I could ride in a Tardis. Never mind if you don't get that, just shake your head at me and move on. :) What I mean is, since I was about twelve years old, I've suffered from a chronic pain condition that is difficult to treat and poorly understood by most doctors.  In the past, I've likened it to having my Ferrari stolen and being given a rusty jalopy in which to hobble to life's finish line.  The idea of waking up each morning refreshed and energetic completely mystifies me. I'm usually reaching for pain pills and adding up time fragments to figure out how many hours of sleep I actually got. By the end of the day, it's easier to name body parts that don't hurt. And though I'm exhausted, I find it difficult to fall asleep in less than two hours. 

Maybe you can relate.

Realistically speaking, this condition isn't really curable for most people. I've prayed for healing. Years ago, a well-meaning friend encouraged me to "claim" verses like Psalm 103:3 (The Lord is the one who forgives all your iniquity and heals all your diseases.) I was so convinced for a while that God would heal my body completely if I just believed he would and asked with a pure heart. The truth is, God can do whatever he wants with his pots of clay. I have no right to "claim" the fulfillment of his promises in my own way and time. I have to wait for his best for me. But that's another blog post. For now, the bottom line seems to remain the same: 

Pain is going to be a big part of my life. Here's part of the reason I think that:

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness 
of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan 
to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord 
about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of 
my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 
For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." --2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Please understand, I am in NO way comparing myself to the great apostle Paul. I haven't been dealing with the "surpassing greatness" of any major revelations lately, except that butternut squash purée can go into just about any recipe. But I still need to be humbled.  And like Paul, physical pain is one way my heavenly Father chooses to accomplish that. Another reason I know I'm supposed to be in pain is that I didn't choose it, yet it's still here.



If you've read my blog for any length of time, you might have discovered I'm a mom. For Approximately half that time, I'm a single mom because my hubby The Captain is off flying planes. Don't get me wrong. I love our lifestyle because when he's home, he's usually home for days. But that means I have to find a way to function when I'm alone with three Short People.    

I have asked God, if he won't heal me, to at least show me how to get better... 

Juicing? Nutritional therapy? Supplements? Drugs? See a chiropractor? Get a massage? (The answer to that last one is always a yes, by the way.) But this is an area where the Lord has been pretty quiet and is asking me to trust him. I've tried all sorts of lifestyle modifications and therapies, with some limited improvements. If you have a theory, I've probably already heard it. And, I have been taking pain meds on and off for about seven years, just to function. And ya know what, they help. They help a LOT. 

And that is now my big, fat dilemma.

If you know anything about prescription pain meds, you know they start to lose their effectiveness unless you keep switching up or increasing your dose. That seemed fine to me, because it was working for the moment. I wasn't really looking beyond the next year or two. But I just got a big wake up call over the weekend. There was a bunch of complication and drama that arose and my refill didn't come when I was expecting it to. I was forced into full-on cold turkey mode. And then I realized…

This is only going to get harder. 

If I think this sucks now, just wait till I've been on these drugs another ten years and my body doesn't know what to do without them. What if I live till I'm 90? Do I really expect another 55+ years of playing this game to work out well? Sounds like a winding, crooked path to me. I think that, without realizing it, I had begun to allow myself to see those pain meds as life-giving. They made me feel and act like a normal person. But I'm not a normal person. I'm a person whom God has chosen for pain in order to bring glory to himself. And those drugs aren't life-giving, they're actually pretty hard on my body. They're great for short-term situations and I'd use them in a heartbeat for that, but this is different. It is not God's will for me that I destroy my body for a few hours' respite each day. And it's definitely not his will that I look to another savior. Because my life's purpose is not to run from the weight of pain in search of temporary fixes, as if I'm convinced that God won't really be enough to sustain what he has created to enable me to do what he's asked.

I don't know what the answer is right now. 

I don't know what life is like any more without pain drugs to help me cope. Quite honestly, I'm a bit freaked out at the idea. It won't be a Sunday afternoon picnic, but I'm more concerned about missing what God has for me, just because I wanted my life to be easy. I know what he's asking, and I know he's calling me to stop fearing pain, but instead embrace it so that he can meet me there. 


"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint 
but rather be healed." —Hebrews 12:12-13



Leave me a comment! :D